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generic ambien 10mg so tenderly conveys the magnitude of loss and the strength involved in recovering from losing a baby—whether through miscarriage or termination—what it takes out of one—the poem tracking so carefully, precisely the minute details facing the waking speaker, still groggy—soothed by the simple focus of having to hold a cup of tea, which treat on a tray to eat first. Can you talk about the process of writing this poem?

Janina Aza Karpinska This poemalong with several others that addressed the loss of babiesor the lack of childrenpopped out rather unexpectedly while I was studying for my M.A. in Creative Writing & Personal Development at Sussex University; so this in itself became something I wanted to explore as part of my writing process. Why had these poems insisted in appearing on their own termsalmost writing themselves they came out so quickly! I suppose in some ways the poems I write and the art I do are the ‘babies’ I’ve never hadthey have a life of their own and the ability to live long after I’m gone.

The M.A. followed on naturally from the post-graduate diploma I completed years earlier. My dissertation for the post-grad was based on autobiography through poetry, diaries and self-portraitsso lots of mirrors in every shape and form. I was interested how if one has a poor self-image it’s too easy to believe in any kind of distorted image you might get reflected back from othersI used to call it the ‘Hall of Mirrors’ syndrome the gross distortions that you see before your very eyesonly, if you have a healthy egoyou’d know to laugh atif not, you start to believe this is how people really see you and it can damage confidence further.

Keeping a daily journal, in whatever form, helps to keep one’s true faceas you face the page each morning without make-up, without enough wakefulness to even begin to try to pretend anything to yourself let alone othersyou start to get a more true picturereflection of your selfit’s vital! It reminds me of Sartre’a ‘Huis Clos’the play about Hell being stuck with people you can’t bearfor eternity! There’s a character in the play who can’t cope without her mirrorshe has no internal concept of Selfwithout her mirror she is a lost soulshe is no-one she can recognize. We all need a mirrorbut it’s healthier if it’s something you carry internallyand have those who are in your life reflect back to you an image that you too can accept and love just as they dowarts and all.

Can you talk about the subject of miscarriage in your work?

I love that you have a magazine dedicated to the whole subject of fertility and conception, abortion, miscarriageit’s so valuable. I don’t think there’s enough words, support, or understanding around the whole issue of miscarriagewhat it might bring up and how to deal with the lossabsenceoh, so much that goes with it, and the lack of ritual or ceremonycultural tools that might ease the process of trying to deal with all the emotions that might be triggered. Hmmand I didn’t know I felt quite so passionately about it until just then! Miscarriage seems to prompt others to come up with an awful lot of platitudes probably well-meant, and there’s no script that goes with what to say to someone when they’ve lost a baby.

Where are the words that we actually need to hear? It’s funnyI’ve noticed that those who insist they hate poetry and would have nothing to do with itoften turn to it when needing to express their pain and loss. Why? Because poetry has the structure and strength to carry great painit’s there in the metrerhythm of a lot of itit keeps the breath regularwhich is what keeps us calm. This is not an obvious thingit quietly underlines each phrase and carries you through the process. It walks along with you when you need most to not feel you’re walking alone.

When we don’t have words of our ownwhen we haven’t yet literally comes to terms with our own experiences – it’s helpful to have the words of others who have gone through such things before us. These are the words we need. Writingor readingpoetryor any such heartfelt expression of words or artthese are the essential resources we need at our disposal to see us through the hardest passages of life, whether that’s divorce; failure to conceive; loss of loved ones; loss of any kindthese creative arts can serve us much like a doula; or midwife; or undertaker – or what we would term as the wise man or woman of the village who knows and understands.

There should be some kind of fund of resources women can turn to when coping with such loss. I know some parents opt to make a cast of a footor hand of their stillborn babies that they then cast in silverwe need more creative ways of honoring these important life experiences. It’s all the harder if the loss is early on in a pregnancy. And it was hard being in a ward with new mothers along with those who had lost their own little developers.

I’m not aware how it is in AmericaI think of it as a British thingthis awkwardness when it comes to loss and bereavementit’s so uncharted. No one seems to know what to door how to behave. You get a few days off work ‘compassionate leave’, and then? People find themselves wondering: ‘shouldn’t I be over this by now?’ We have no clueshave lost the primitive instinct to howl and wail and do things properly!

I knew from losing my father when I was 10 how Not to grieveI played mental tricks with myselfand it meant I didn’t accept the grief of losing him until 20 years later! When I lost my baby I gave myself permission to cry cry cry and howl with painalthough most of that went on in the privacy of a locked toilet cubicle in the hospitalI just knew I wanted to do it properly this time.

What an amazing set of venues you have discovered for teaching creative writing in the community—can you talk about each of the workshops you run, and how you started teaching? What kinds of students you work with? Where you’d like to see that work turn towards, or where you’d like to be in ten years with your teaching and writing career?

I run creative writing workshops in local shops and businesses. I choose different days and different times to accommodate those who work as well as those who have time in the day. I like the idea of bringing people into a shop during its quiet timeto bring in custom, of a kind, and introduce the world of business to the world of artistes, and have them co-mingle!

I plan the session around the nature of the business, so when I ran a workshop in my local launderette I based it on confessions and ‘coming clean’. An opportunity to air one’s ‘dirty laundry’; and explore what I called the red sock syndromethat thing in your life that gets in and taints all the good thingsshameguiltjealousy etc.

In the tattoo parlour I focused on what our bodies say about us. I found a crazy article about a Chinese lady who suffered from an unusual form of urticariawhich meant anything pressed into her skin would cause a red weal to come upshe used the condition to write her shopping lists on the back of her handI ran with the idea of what someone’s body might be telling us in some form or other. I usually have two exercises and provide examples of poetry by other writers or myself that ties in with the theme.

A performance piece called ‘Normal’ She aspires to be normalit’s her greatest ambition’ appeared word-for-word out of one of my own exercises when I was at an essential oil store, and others have produced performance pieces from attending. I’d like to gather some of the fine work that’s been written and produce a book of workshop ideas perhaps, but trying to get hold of the work after the sessions is quite difficultI have to practice being the equivalent of a skilled sheepdog in trying to gather them all in!

The most well-attended workshop was in our local ‘adult boutique’, which produced some of the funniest writing – the 1st exercise, or ‘foreplay’, was to start cold with the most challenging subject to sexualize: washing up; going to the dentist; filling in a tax return: fantastic! The shops all know me now as that lady who has mad ideas, but they are all very accommodating.

I have lots of other creative ides I’d like to pursue. I used to accompany my mother to the eye hospital in London where she was on research study for a new treatment for wet macular degenerative disease. She was on the traditional method of treatment for the condition which I’m pleased to say worked well for her. We would often have to wait 5 hours to be seen. Once we’d got over the shock of that first time we came to enjoy these times togetherarmed with sandwiches and fruit to see us through, but it struck me how awful it would be to have to go through it alone especially as most of the patients are old and have difficulty hearingtoo easy to miss your name being called!

I would sit in with my mother as she had her eye tests. One eye particularly strongbetter than mine! The other very pooralmost blind, as is often the case with the onset of the condition as the stronger eye compensates for the loss of sight in other until it gets really bad before you become aware of what’s happened. She would look at the chart and say ‘embarrassedly: ‘Oh! The letters are all running away!’ I knew then I’d like to do a writing project on the effects of MDD. And it struck me it might be particularly welcomed by those poor souls in the waiting room who have no-one to talk to or care.

When I talked to my own optician about it he told me about an artistAdam Hahnwho painted portraits in monochrome after talking with his sitters about their experience of MDD. Their portraits reflected what they themselves would see when shaving or looking in the mirror. ‘Mirror, mirror’! I loved that such a project had been done, what is needed now is a writing equivalent. I did start to do a little research into the company running the research programI think it is based in California!

I’m fascinated by the link between writing and our bodies / mental health. I ran a 6-week long closed group course at a women’s mental health initiative in Brighton where I live. I got the women to create body maps–where they drew around their bodies than charted on them every ailment, scar, operation, treatmentanything body related. Taking a step back would give a little perspective on their body issues. One woman told me she found herself instinctively placing her hands on the belly of her paper body equivalentmoved out of compassion she was never aware of beforeshe saw at once it was her organic version of the healing concept of ‘the laying on of hands’.

I would like to be a writing therapist attached to a general practice or ward. I’m really grateful to have had a poem chosen for one of the ‘Poems in the Waiting Room’ which are pamphlets that are distributed for patients to read while waiting to see their GP. I’m for anything that makes poetry more accessible.

What are you currently working on?

I’m currently looking at ways of commemorating a life after someone dear has been lostcreative ways of capturing memoriesusing cherished clothes to make patchwork items that can be ‘read’ like a photo album with all the associations that go with clothing and that awful process of feeling you need to let go of them and yet not really wanting to. I also use image-maker to transfer photocopies of cherished photos onto cloth to make commemorative wall hangings, or cushionsjust small scale keepsakesit’s not a business or anythingit’s a service I’d like to provide someday for those who need it.

I didn’t mention I make religious icons out of scraps of paperor rather they almost seem to make themselves. I feel so detached from the process I can’t stop admiring my own workha ha! As I’m right by the sea we have a ‘beach hut advent calendar’ each yearthis will be the 3rd yeara different beach hut opens its door each nightand people gather for mulled wine and mince pieslast year I had the coldest wettest blowiest day in Christendomtypical! it’s run by ‘beyond church’which caters to people who have an interest in spiritual things but who might not want to set foot in a church or such.

And I just made my debut on a live radio show for ‘Brig hton Community Radio.’ It’ll be a regular slot every Thursday 6-7pm. I’m billed as ‘Ms.Merized….and I hope you will be too!’ I’ll be trying to promote local bands and musicians and weaving in zolpidem 10 mg. I’ll be going up to Newcastle next week – going to a book launch: ‘The Iron Book of New Humorous Verse’, which has my poem about being a failure in it- ha ha, and at the end of that week there’s an INK Festival in which I’ll be performing a couple of my poems and some guy will read one I wrote in a man’s voice.

I’m also a member of ambien peak salesa group of artistes with polish roots or connections here in the south of England.

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