A Play in One Act
by John Ladd
Characters
(In Order of Appearance)
Jim
Marie
SETTING
A motel room. It is divided into an ante-room, that is at center-stage, and the bedroom that is, conceptually, off beyond stage-right. The ante-room has the usual amenities including a table with two chairs as well as one particularly special feature- and is one that the audience cannot see- a north-facing, one-way glass wall and ceiling both of which are covered by imaginary drapes on imaginary drawstrings.
AT RISE
Enter from stage left JIM and MARIE at the door to their room. JIM unlocks the door, reaches in and turns on the lights (the house lights come up.) JIM and MARIE enter the ante-room carrying and pulling their travel luggage.
JIM
(entering the room)
Well, here we are.
[MARIE follows JIM into the room.]
MARIE
(sitting down, exhausted)
I can’t believe we’re finally here.
[JIM puts the luggage down and, similarly exhausted,
sits down in the other chair.]
JIM
I know- I didn’t think that it would take this long.
MARIE
So, we’re in Anchorage.
JIM
No Fairbanks.
MARIE
That’s right, Fairbanks. And, what is so special about Fairbanks?
JIM
You don’t remember?
MARIE
Jim, honey- I know why we’re here, but, specifically- there’ve been so many
places for so many unique reasons.
JIM
It’s the northern lights- that’s why we’re here. They’re said to be a powerful
fertility aid.
MARIE
I see- that’s right- I’m sorry, I forgot. I’m just hungry, thirsty and tired.
JIM
All right. Let me get you something.
[JIM begins to stand so as to go over to the luggage.
MARIE reaches across the table and gently grabs him
by the arm. JIM returns to his chair.]
MARIE
Like I said, I am hungry and thirsty, but today- this evening- I want something
different.
JIM
(surprised)
Different?
MARIE
Yes, different- I need a break. I don’t want to eat the same old fertility
aphrodisiacs that I’ve been eating for the last two years. Tonight, I’m not
interested in strawberries or figs.
JIM
(thinking)
Okay, then how about some tea? I brought it along-
MARIE
(interrupting)
No. Don’t even bring out the red clover or the stinging nettle.
JIM
(confused)
Then, what?
MARIE
I want a drink.
JIM
A drink?
(pause)
What kind?
MARIE
How about a glass of merlot or cabernet?
JIM
(standing)
Alcohol?
(pause)
You know you’re not suppose to have alcohol.
MARIE
Or coffee in the morning.
JIM
That’s right.
MARIE
(standing)
Just soy, high fat foods- and more ice cream. I’m tired of it- aren’t you? You’re
doing what you can- the zinc, the calcium, the vitamin E, the astralagus for sperm
motility, the panax ginseng for firmness and length of erection-
JIM
(interrupting)
You’re not complaining are you?
MARIE
(laughs)
No, at least the ginseng’s been fun, but otherwise, where has it gotten us?
JIM
Marie, that’s what they say we should do.
MARIE
(sighs)
Yeah, but we’ve been doing this now for a long time.
(pause)
You know, when we finally decided to have children and tried and then went to
the fertility doctor it seemed so simple.
(pause)
Sperm count, diet, less stress, no alcohol, no smoking-
JIM
(interrupting)
Seeing the doctor was the logical place to start.
MARIE
Sure it was. Then, all I had to do was take a couple of drugs- Clomid, Heparin,
Progesterone- no problem- we wanted children, so what the hell.
(pause)
How long did it take before we realized that wasn’t going to work?
JIM
(thinking)
I don’t know- it seems like we were in a fog.
MARIE
Maybe so, but I went from a fog to a nightmare once the procedures started.
(pause)
Let’s see, aside from the failed in vitro attempts, there was the tubal ligation
reversal, the G-I-F-T, the Z-I-F-T, the T-E-T- and, again, what? Nothing!
JIM
I know, I know- I really felt bad for you.
MARIE
(quickly)
And you, too! Each time it didn’t work I felt that it was my fault, that I was
failing us- that I was failing you!
[JIM walks over to MARIE and embraces her.]
JIM
You weren’t failing anybody- you were trying along with medical science- but it
just wasn’t working.
[MARIE breaks the embrace.]
MARIE
No, it wasn’t.
(pause)
And I suppose that we could have stopped there and just adopted, but-
(pause)
but I knew how badly you wanted us to have kids, so, we left medical science
behind and here we are-
(pause)
and, let me tell you, it’s been one hell of an experience!
JIM
(protesting)
It wasn’t that bad.
MARIE
(laughing)
Oh, I’m not saying that it was bad. It’s just that it just started out as this
incredibly passive part of our life- remember the Egyptian phallic symbols that we
had all over the house?
JIM
I do.
MARIE
And the fact that we had to put them all away whenever my mother came to visit?
JIM
(laughing)
I do- except that one time-
MARIE
(interrupting)
When you forgot the one on the top shelf of the refrigerator-
JIM
(interrupting)
And she went in to get some juice-
MARIE
(interrupting)
Only to be greeted by this over-sized penis!
JIM
Hey, hey- it wasn’t a penis- it was a phallic symbol.
MARIE
Yeah, right- now my mother thinks that you’re some sort of sexual pervert.
JIM
(resigned)
Well, regardless, it was worth a try.
MARIE
Oh, we tried all right. Remember when you used to have me stand on my head-
after sex- because you read somewhere that doing so increases my chance of
getting pregnant?
JIM
You looked cute.
MARIE
And did you think that I looked cute in the Supported Bridge, Legs on Wall and
Cobler’s poses?
JIM
If I only had had a digital camera.
MARIE
Then, what was it-
(thinking)
Yes! The fertility yoga and the Sitz baths and the butt baths- what about the
acupuncture? Did I look cute, then? With all those needles in me?
JIM
Actually, Marie, as far as the needles went- it all looked kind of medieval. The
acupuncture? Well, there were a couple of times that you missed your period and
we thought that it had worked- that you were pregnant.
MARIE
Which, when you found out that I wasn’t, it just added to your insanity.
JIM
Oh! Now I was insane?
MARIE
You were- certifiably!
JIM
It was intensity. They’re two different things- intensity and insanity.
MARIE
Oh, really?
(pause)
Did you forget aromatherapy, homeopathy, the flower remedies-
(pause)
and then the trips.
JIM
Which brought us here.
MARIE
(laughs)
Sure, by way of around the world. Let’s see, where should I start?
(pause to think)
How about that one-hundred and eighty foot carved figure above Cerne Abbas in
Dorset, England? Or the statues at the headquarters of Ripley’s in Orlando- that
we had to make an appointment to see? Then, there was our trip to Newark- to
the national shrine of Saint Gerard, the “unofficial” patron saint of motherhood?
JIM
(laughing)
Hey, we got to see part of the world- it was an adventure.
MARIE
Especially the last one- the fertility festival in Japan at the Tagata Shrine-
(pause)
I’m sure you’ll never forget that- I mean, how could anyone forget the thirteen
foot penis that was the guest of honor!
JIM
It was bigger than I thought it would be. I guess that when you’re having a
fertility festival- size does matter.
MARIE
So, speaking of festivals, is that why we’re here- the northern lights are part of
another fertility festival?
JIM
There’s no festival. We’re just exploring a belief that occurs in Japanese culture
that it’s good luck- as in babies- to have sex under the northern lights.
MARIE
So, what’s the catch?
(looking around the room)
Since there’s no bed in here, what, do we have to do this outside in the snow?
JIM
No, no- we’ll be inside. The bedroom is in the next room. You see, they built
this place especially for the reason we’re here- it has a one way glass wall and
ceiling-
(indicating to the wall and ceiling)
on the other side of the curtains.
[MARIE looks straight ahead at the "wall," walks up to it
and mimes touching "it." Then, she looks up at the ceiling.
She peeks beyond the wall curtain to the outside.]
MARIE
Very interesting. You’re sure that it’s one-way glass?
JIM
I’m sure.
(pause)
Have you ever seen the northern lights before?
MARIE
(thinking)
No, I don’t think that I ever have.
(pause)
Have you?
JIM
A couple of times when I was a kid, but this is suppose to be far more spectacular.
MARIE
Do you think that this is going to work? That this- this time- is going to make a
difference?
JIM
I hope so- we’re kind of running out of options, fertility festivals, scared stones-
everything.
MARIE
(thoughtfully)
I know, I know.
(a pause and then a sigh)
All right, let’s pull open the drapes and see what we have.
[JIM mimes the pulling open of the wall and ceiling drapes.]
[NOTE: The play can continue either with the house lights
up or with the house lights down but with a beam
Of light- perhaps even colored- on the ceiling.]
JIM
Whoa! That is impressive!
MARIE
Oh, how beautiful.
[JIM and MARIE embrace.]
JIM
Look at how it flows- like a multi-colored ribbon being blow along by an unfelt
wind.
MARIE
What causes it?
JIM
What you see are high energy ionized particles powered by solar winds.
MARIE
(breaking the embrace)
I see-
(pause)
And I suppose now you’re going to tell me that if I just happen to accompany you
into the bedroom that you have some high energy ionized particles that you would
like to share with me?
[JIM takes MARIE by the hand.]
JIM
Powered by solar winds, no less.
MARIE
Hmm, sounds promising- even exciting.
[JIM and MARIE walk toward stage-right and the bedroom beyond.]
BLACKOUT
END OF PLAY
John Ladd is currently living in a small town in upstate New York where he is collaborating on a screenplay. Prior to this, he lived in New York City where he spent a considerable amount of time writing and having his plays produced. When he is not writing, he farms, part-time, with his spotted coon-hound, Roma.
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